Friday, November 1, 2013

A Rambling Post About What I Don't Know

Things have been quiet around here lately. I'm just kind of at a loss for words, everything I think to write in the middle of the night is forgotten by morning, silvery wisps I can't make solid. It's driving me crazy.

In the last few months, I've felt deeply, permanently that the Lord has changed me. He's changed my heart. It is so easy as a human person, to stagnate, stay the same, refuse (whether conciously or unconciously) to change. It's comfortable, clinging to our sins and weaknesses.

God doesn't want us to stay in our comfortable ungodliness though. He wants to burn all that away. He wants to exhalt us every single day.

And it's hard. And it hurts. And it's more fun, sometimes, to stay the same.

The thing is, God loves you and me, as we are, right now. Loving someone requires we accept them. God is the ultimate example of this. He loves us as we are, even when we are terribly disobedient.

But just as a parent hopes for their child, He has hopes and dreams for us and KNOWS we can accomplish them.

So, I've felt that pull to be better, be more, give more, think of myself less in the last months. My soul has begun to hunger (Enos 1:4) for a deeper understanding of my role on earth, my duty to the kingdom, my job, so to speak.

And I've found that when I let that change enter my heart, when I pull away from the sins I love so dearly, that I can more fully recognize my Father's hand in things, I see His face more clearly.

Much like a child running to a parent with a skinned knee from falling off a bike, I quickly find myself flinging towards my Parents in Heaven, desperate for refuge for a moment, before I head on back out, to keep trying, to keep learning, to keep moving forward.

I'm also having to learn to let go of some things I think I want. They aren't BAD things either. But I am learning to trust that whether THOSE things I want come to pass or not matters far less than the reality that no matter what, Heavenly Father has a plan.

So, I'm trying. And this whole book/blog project is a part of this whole thing. I can't explain it, I can't put it in words (which is why I've been struggling mightily with words lately), but I know that THIS is what the Father wants me to do. Even if it is solely for my own growth and development, so be it.

I'm trying.

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