People here in New England comment on our family ALLLLL the time. I can not leave the house without my kids without it happening. Since we homeschool, my kids all come all the time. It happens every single time we go anywhere.
I think people look at me, with my "large" family and say the thing that seems the most... benign.
"You sure have your hands full."
"Are they all yours?"
"You finally got your girl!"
"God bless you."
"Are you all done?"
And I smile and nod and thank them or answer or laugh with them, or whatever seems appropriate while I'm just wishing to survive the grocery store without losing anyone or my sanity and without forgetting AGAIN to buy black beans.
While those short conversations are really nothing is the course of a lifetime, and really what others think does not matter in this whole crazy life, but sometimes I wish I could explain. I wish I could set the record straight, that rather than them assuming that Derek and I don't "know what causes that" that they could SEE the way these children have made me...me.
I am so much better than I was when Henry was born. I'm a better mom, of course, but above all else, I'm a better person.
See, when I started on this path to motherhood, I was selfish. I didn't mean to be, and I didn't know I was. But I was 22 years old. I had two jobs I loved, a little apartment, a husband in grad school, and I knew what I WANTED.
Yes, part of what I wanted was a baby, and I got a cute, squishy one that never slept, I mean not at all.
And it made me angry. Didn't he know that at the end of a long day working, mothering, wife-ing, etc, that I just wanted to sit and watch TV? Or sleep?
It was hard to give that up. Because I was selfish. My time and energy had been mine to give and now it belonged to HIM and that made me resentful, not really at Henry but at the whole institution. But child after child has slowly burned that selfishness out of me. I am a slow learner, I'll admit.
And now? Sleep is for the childless.
I'm more okay with tired days and dreary nights. I'm better with accepting less personal time, less time for interests or hobbies, less time for anything really. It's not about me anymore and that took a while for me to realize (about, oh, three and a half babies, I'd say.)
My selfishness, while not obliterated, has become much less. I'm becoming refined.
I find compassion easier to give, I'm more understanding of what others might be going through, or how they might perceive a situation. It allows me more patience. I used to be terribly impatient.
I worry less. I know bad things can happen, and while I work hard to prevent them, in the end, I can only do my best. The rest I have to let go of. My faith has grown immeasurably over the years. I can control almost nothing. I have to have faith.
I'm more confident in my own beliefs, in my own mothering, in my own convictions that every baby is different, every kid is different and there is no one way to do things. It's so much less stressful to shrug, say, "To each his own," and MEAN it. Oh I was so judgemental back then.
I'm more relaxed about basically everything. Socks don't match? Yeah, I don't care.
You want to eat four apples in a day? Fine. Don't come crying to me when you get the poops.
I pick my battles much more judiciously. Three year olds are not to be battled unless absolutely necessary. Let them run, play, be as free as you can, I've learned. Discipline less, teach more. Read more, watch less TV.
Love more love more love more.
My house? I could keep up with it when I had just two kids. Then there were more and it drove me nuts. Now? I don't even try, That's right, I don't even try. We work together every evening to clean and straighten. I don't stress about it. It is going to be a mess. It is going to be cluttered.
It is going to be a work in progress.
Just like me.
My body is way better now than it was nine years ago. My body has aged, it has grown five babies and is working on a sixth! There is no recovering from THAT. But it's also learned to get by with less food, less sleep and more tension. My ears are better at tuning out noise. My eyes don't see the mess the same way.
My heart has grown so much and still it can barely contain the love, the gratitude and the sheer amazement that is watching these people grow and become who they are going to be.
When I stopped working three years ago, I worried I would be lost, a ship without course. How could I be ANYTHING if I was JUST a mother?
Well. I still have those moments when I wonder why I bother, but overall, the places motherhood has brought me; the realizations, the growth, the potential I've reached are frankly, amazing.
I'm not bragging. I'm praising. It's nothing short of a miracle, what God has done to my life, where He has directed me, those who He's brought into my life to teach and mentor me and to set an example for me. These blessings from Heaven have made me better.
These children have made me better.
So, yeah, I've got a lot of kids, my hands are freaking full. But my spirit? It's finally being allowed to grow. As my body ages, changes, stretches, so does my spirit, and in all that, it's made new.
My perfection is still so far outside my grasp that I can do nothing but spiral upward, hoping to find it in the eternities through Christ, but for now, I can look back on the last almost decade and see how, through small and simple things, it could be possible that SOMEDAY I might, through lots of help and grace, get there.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Joy when Life Stinks
What if you're doing the things you're supposed to be doing, prayers, scriptures, tithing, church, callings, parenting, dishes, laundry, carpool, cooking, fun times as a family, etc etc etc and things still aren't perfect? Or even close to it?
It's hard when you feel like you're earning the GOOD stuff but the BAD stuff is overwhelming you.
I've been in that exact spot.
I've said to my Father in Heaven, "Uh, excuse me, I'm a decent enough person, I work super hard, I feel like my desires are pretty dang righteous, and yet, xyz happened and frankly, I'm offended."
Or perhaps it's not even bad STUFF but maybe you just aren't feeling the radiating joy that everyone is always kind of pushing for in the gospel. You know what I mean, like, "If you're doing what you're supposed to be doing, you'll be happy no matter what."
That idea? It's like a THING in LDS culture.
Yeah, what if that is just kind of not working for you? What if you're just kind of surviving?
Then what?
I've got a few different posts in store addressing exactly this issue. Today's mini-solution is gratitude.
Perhaps one of my most favorite quotes of all time is this one by Gordon B. Hinckley,
"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to just be people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey…delays…sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling burst of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”
Why do I love this quote so? Because it basically says that the joy is in the little things.
Every minute of every day is NOT going to be some glee-filled-smile-until-your-face-falls-off kind of minute.
No, most minutes are normal, some quiet, some loud, some messy, some VERY messy, some simple, some complex, some scary, some serene, but MOST of them are just normal.
And within the normal, there are ways to find joy.
President Hinckley says the trick is to thank the Lord for the letting you have the ride. YES YES YES!
An "attitude of gratitude" is essential to finding joy in life. I submit that the most happy people on the planet are those who are grateful to the Lord for the blessings they've been given; the big blessings, sure, but most essentially, the little.
Every single day is a lesson in gratefulness. Today perhaps you can find five things to be thank God for that you've previously overlooked or kind of taken for granted.
What are those things?
Maybe today they are: peanut butter and jelly, anti-depressants, a friend who sends a witty text, matching socks, kids who play nicely for a few minutes, a pizza delivery man, a loaf of homemade bread...
If you can, in the moment, when you realize you're grateful for something, send up a quick prayer heavenward, thanking God for that thing, whatever it may be, big or small, you'll find your heart a little lighter, life a little less heavy. No, it won't make your problems go away. No, it won't make you delirious with joy or anything, but it will allow you, in the times of regular old hard life, to push through, and to recognize the moments of true and deep joy when they come. They are almost always small and simple moments that are the most joyful. And with a grateful heart, you'll see them more often.
Colossians 2:7 says, "Rooted and built up in him, and stablished in the faith, as ye have been taught, abounding therein with thanksgiving." Be built up in Christ, be faithful and be grateful.
There, in the quiet, in the difficult, in the painful, you'll find the light.
It's hard when you feel like you're earning the GOOD stuff but the BAD stuff is overwhelming you.
I've been in that exact spot.
I've said to my Father in Heaven, "Uh, excuse me, I'm a decent enough person, I work super hard, I feel like my desires are pretty dang righteous, and yet, xyz happened and frankly, I'm offended."
Or perhaps it's not even bad STUFF but maybe you just aren't feeling the radiating joy that everyone is always kind of pushing for in the gospel. You know what I mean, like, "If you're doing what you're supposed to be doing, you'll be happy no matter what."
That idea? It's like a THING in LDS culture.
Yeah, what if that is just kind of not working for you? What if you're just kind of surviving?
Then what?
I've got a few different posts in store addressing exactly this issue. Today's mini-solution is gratitude.
Perhaps one of my most favorite quotes of all time is this one by Gordon B. Hinckley,
"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to just be people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey…delays…sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling burst of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”
Why do I love this quote so? Because it basically says that the joy is in the little things.
Every minute of every day is NOT going to be some glee-filled-smile-until-your-face-falls-off kind of minute.
No, most minutes are normal, some quiet, some loud, some messy, some VERY messy, some simple, some complex, some scary, some serene, but MOST of them are just normal.
And within the normal, there are ways to find joy.
President Hinckley says the trick is to thank the Lord for the letting you have the ride. YES YES YES!
An "attitude of gratitude" is essential to finding joy in life. I submit that the most happy people on the planet are those who are grateful to the Lord for the blessings they've been given; the big blessings, sure, but most essentially, the little.
Every single day is a lesson in gratefulness. Today perhaps you can find five things to be thank God for that you've previously overlooked or kind of taken for granted.
What are those things?
Maybe today they are: peanut butter and jelly, anti-depressants, a friend who sends a witty text, matching socks, kids who play nicely for a few minutes, a pizza delivery man, a loaf of homemade bread...
If you can, in the moment, when you realize you're grateful for something, send up a quick prayer heavenward, thanking God for that thing, whatever it may be, big or small, you'll find your heart a little lighter, life a little less heavy. No, it won't make your problems go away. No, it won't make you delirious with joy or anything, but it will allow you, in the times of regular old hard life, to push through, and to recognize the moments of true and deep joy when they come. They are almost always small and simple moments that are the most joyful. And with a grateful heart, you'll see them more often.
Colossians 2:7 says, "Rooted and built up in him, and stablished in the faith, as ye have been taught, abounding therein with thanksgiving." Be built up in Christ, be faithful and be grateful.
There, in the quiet, in the difficult, in the painful, you'll find the light.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
New Year's Process!
Derek wrote this about resolutions verses goals verses actually getting stuff done. He kindly agreed to let me post it here. That's how we roll. Happy New Year!!
New Year/New Process
At this time of having a year anew we often decide to have
resolutions. I want to share two concepts with you that every person should
keep in mind as they develop resolutions. The first is focusing on the process
and not the outcome, the second is developing healthy living skills.
Process not Outcome
When we think of resolutions we think of overarching
abstract goals for what we want in the New Year, like, “I want to spend more
time with family”, or “I want to lose weight”, or “I will be a better
father/mother”, etc. These ideas while good are not specific enough to be of
service in the day to day living that we are engaged in. These statements are
all outcome statements, while you want a specific outcome the abstract outcome
is neither specific nor is it enough to sustain change in the moment.
Instead,
focus on process. Process is to change the outcomes to specific behaviors I
will engage in on a routine (daily, weekly, biweekly, etc.) basis.
Instead of “I want to spend more time with family” because
it is too vague you would develop a set of habits that will increase the
likelihood of spending more time with family. Some ideas include: “I will go to
work a half hour early every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday so I can come home a
half hour early to play a game with my children”, “I will turn off my cellphone
and my computer while at home”, and “Every day will begin and end with family
prayer”.
These are just three ideas of process, your process goals should be
things you can maintain and be built upon with increased goals. Notice I said a
half hour early not an hour or two early and only three days a week not every
day.
The idea is to begin with something attainable that you can
feel good about as you achieve the process goals and then over time you can
increase those goals. Each individual will have different process goals to work
toward attaining their desired outcome. Imbedded in process is the belief that
you do not need to be PERFECT, you
focus on IMPROVEMENT. Even having
family prayer in the morning and night one day is better than not at all and it
begins the process of having prayer every morning and night, it may not be
every day at the beginning but it will come as you PRACTICE.
Healthy Living Skills
As you plan your resolutions you can focus on developing
skills of healthy living. Healthy Living Skills are contained in the five
categories of living: Emotional, Mental, Relational, Financial and Spiritual.
You must first take stock of where you are and then plan a program of improvement
where your goal is to improve yourself in each of the five categories with
plans for ways you can grow little by little.
Within the Emotional category you might resolve to attend a
yoga class to increase your ability to relax and not get overstressed, or you
can resolve to spend fifteen minutes a day engaged in meditation practices.
In the Mental category you will want to set a goal for
improving your knowledge or mental abilities. One goal can be to take one
college course or to memorize a scripture a week.
The Relational category can be focused on improving an
individual relationship, like having a fifteen minute conversation with my wife
every night to discuss her feelings or improving a relationship skill, like
practicing “active listening skills” once a day.
Financial resolutions should be something small, not “pay
off all my debts” but something similar to “track my income and expenditures”.
The tracking can build into paying off debts little by little or increasing
savings at an achievable rate.
Spiritual growth should be a focus of every person no matter
what level of spirituality they are currently. These can be as simple as
writing a daily gratitude journal and use those entries in my morning and night
prayers, or just setting a goal to pray first thing in the morning.
The goal is to improve yourself in each of the five areas,
and bringing in the process not outcome concept you will begin with an activity
that is achievable and can help you grow. Choose to only do one thing better in
each category, do not get overzealous and set high expectations of change.
So, as you plan for your new year, develop process oriented
healthy living goals. As you do, you will find your resolutions are both easier
to maintain and they can grow all year long. These goals then become habits and
you can find yourself not failing at a huge resolution but overtime growing and
becoming better.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Rejoice, Rejoice Emmanuel HAS Come!
I find that Christmas music is such an excellent form of expression during the season. I DO NOT mean trite songs such as Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer, fun though they may be.
No, I mean, that there is power in the notes, poetry and worship that is created through the music.
I can't eloquently express (despite multiple attempts at it) the depth or breadth of feelings, testimony and abundance of joy that attend during the Christmas season. It simply can not be expressed in mere words.
So, rather than continue blog silence while I try and fail to add anything of uplift to what is potentially the most wonderful and stressful, and expensive, and busy time of the year for us all, I think I'll share a bit here with words AND music. It's the only way I can think to adequately do the thing. I don't expect anyone to sit here and look/listen all the way through in one sitting, but if you can, great!!
Merry Christmas. I only posted three of the ones I WANT to post here, so perhaps I'll do another round soon. :)
Joseph, By Gilbert Thomas
Who has not carolled Mary
and who her praise would dim?
But what of humble Joseph
is there no song for him?
If Joseph had not driven
straight nails through honest wood;
If Joseph had no cherished
his Mary as he should;
If Joseph had not proved him
a sire both kind and wise
Would he have drawn with favour
the Child's all-probing eyes?
Would Christ have prayed "Our Father",
or cried that Name in death
Unless he first had honoured
Joseph of Nazareth?
I can't eloquently express (despite multiple attempts at it) the depth or breadth of feelings, testimony and abundance of joy that attend during the Christmas season. It simply can not be expressed in mere words.
So, rather than continue blog silence while I try and fail to add anything of uplift to what is potentially the most wonderful and stressful, and expensive, and busy time of the year for us all, I think I'll share a bit here with words AND music. It's the only way I can think to adequately do the thing. I don't expect anyone to sit here and look/listen all the way through in one sitting, but if you can, great!!
Merry Christmas. I only posted three of the ones I WANT to post here, so perhaps I'll do another round soon. :)
What Child is This. by Lindsey Stirling
Child of the Night
By Holly Woolley
Child
Of the night and hushed
Majesties of light.
Cool evening breeze
And single cry,
A mother’s tender arms
And eyes …
Unspoken grace adorns
Crude stable hay and
Humble cloth.
A King is born
In quiet manger
Without pretence
Or display …
No jeweled crown
Nor fame is found
Except,
In lighted
Sky
And whisper
Of a father’s tender
Murmur of His name,
“Jesus.”
The morning breaks
In quiet sigh and fame;
A dark and sleeping
World awakes
To never be
The same.
Jospeh's Lullaby by MercyMe
Joseph, By Gilbert Thomas
Who has not carolled Mary
and who her praise would dim?
But what of humble Joseph
is there no song for him?
If Joseph had not driven
straight nails through honest wood;
If Joseph had no cherished
his Mary as he should;
If Joseph had not proved him
a sire both kind and wise
Would he have drawn with favour
the Child's all-probing eyes?
Would Christ have prayed "Our Father",
or cried that Name in death
Unless he first had honoured
Joseph of Nazareth?
O Come O Come Emmanuel, David Crowder Band
O Come O Come Emmanuel"
O come o come emmanuel
And ransom captive israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the son of god appears
Rejoice rejoice
Emmanuel shall come to thee oh israel
Oh come thou day-spring come and cheer
Our spirits by thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight
Rejoice rejoice
Emmanuel shall come to thee oh israel
Oh come desire of nations bind
In one the hearts of all mankind
Bid thou our sad divisions cease
And be thyself our king of peace
Rejoice rejoice
Emmanuel shall come to thee oh israel
Rejoice rejoice
Emmanuel has come
Rejoice rejoice
Emmanuel has come
Rejoice rejoice
Emmanuel has come
He has come
He has come
O come o come emmanuel
And ransom captive israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the son of god appear
Rejoice rejoice
Emmanuel shall come to thee oh israel
He's coming towards us now
He's coming towards us now
He's coming towards us now
He always will
Monday, November 18, 2013
You Are Loved
So, I've become a bit of an insomniac, not by choice, but a combination of a non-sleeping through the night toddler, among other things really puts a damper on my sleeping. Therefore, rather than sleep, I think,
It's tiring. :)
Recently, I was up and down all night with various sick children, and was thinking as I medicated, rocked and soothed, how a parental love is a type and symbol of God's love for His children.
It's imperfect, the love parent has a for child, but it's still to teach us, to draw us nearer to the love that our Heavenly Parents have for us.
There have been quiet (or not so quiet moments) when I've felt that my heart would burst for the love I have for the small ones with whom I've been entrusted. Any parent can probably testify to the same or similiar experience. The love for your child can cause an actual, physical ache and pain in your body.
Then, magnify that feeling by an infinite amount, and bam, you've got God's love for you.
Not just for "His children" in a very vague general billions and billions over the eons, way.
No.
God is so great, so all-knowing, so perfect and infinite that you are loved NOW, as you are, today, and always, individually, specifically and wholly.
In Exodus, Jehovah tells Moses, "“I know thee by name, and thou hast also found grace in my sight” (Ex. 33:12)
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said,
"
Even if you have forgotten God, He has not forgotten you.
Can you even begin to imagine the amazing all-encompassing love that this is? I can't. All I can do it try every single day to be worthy of a love I do not deserve.
Amazingly enough, that is God asks of us. To try a little harder, every single day.
It's tiring. :)
Recently, I was up and down all night with various sick children, and was thinking as I medicated, rocked and soothed, how a parental love is a type and symbol of God's love for His children.
It's imperfect, the love parent has a for child, but it's still to teach us, to draw us nearer to the love that our Heavenly Parents have for us.
There have been quiet (or not so quiet moments) when I've felt that my heart would burst for the love I have for the small ones with whom I've been entrusted. Any parent can probably testify to the same or similiar experience. The love for your child can cause an actual, physical ache and pain in your body.
Then, magnify that feeling by an infinite amount, and bam, you've got God's love for you.
Not just for "His children" in a very vague general billions and billions over the eons, way.
No.
God is so great, so all-knowing, so perfect and infinite that you are loved NOW, as you are, today, and always, individually, specifically and wholly.
In Exodus, Jehovah tells Moses, "“I know thee by name, and thou hast also found grace in my sight” (Ex. 33:12)
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said,
"Even if you have forgotten God, He has not forgotten you.
Can you even begin to imagine the amazing all-encompassing love that this is? I can't. All I can do it try every single day to be worthy of a love I do not deserve.
Amazingly enough, that is God asks of us. To try a little harder, every single day.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
If the Savior Stood Beside Me...
I'm the Primary Music Leader in our ward, and it's a wonderful amazing calling. I've learned SO much over the last nine months. One of the things I continue to be reminded of is the power and testimony that exist in sacred music.
Our Primary Program is in a few weeks so we've been hitting the songs particularly hard in preparation. One that isn't in the primary book but is included in this year's program is a song called "If the Savior Stood Beside Me" by Sally DeFord.
Throughout the year, I can't tell you how many times the words from this song have come back to remind me to be better.
If the Savior stood beside me
would I do the things I do?
Would of think of His commandments
and try harder to be true?
Would I follow His example?
Would I live more righteously
if i could see the Savior standing
nigh watching over me?
If the Savior stood beside me
would I say the things I say?
Would my words be true and kind
if He were never far away?
Would I try to share the gospel?
Would I speak more reverently
if I could see the Savior standing
nigh watching over me?
He is always near me
though I do not see him there.
And because He loves me dearly
I am in His watchful care.
So I'll be the kind of person
that I know I'd like to be
if I could see the Savior standing
nigh watching over me.
(see more verses HERE)
Over and over again, I fail at this. Over and over, I'd be utterly ashamed if I had Jesus at my side, when I'm unkind to my kids, when I fail to think before I speak, when I just make BAD choices.
My own personal behavior would be 110% different. My patience level would be raised, the tone of my voice would be lowered. I'd be far less likely to snap at a child or be short with my husband if Jesus was sitting on the couch, observing my days.
Al Fox Carraway (she's super cool, get to know her) recently posted a YouTube video about a day she carried a picture of Christ with her everywhere, not in her purse, not in her pocket, but in her hand. She said it made quite a difference in the way she thought and acted.
If I didn't have to wrangle 156 children everywhere I go, I'd do the same. Just to see.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUv5n2Lh5vw
( I can not for the life of me get this to embed! ARG!)
Here is the issue, friends, as true believers in Christ, we KNOW that he is INDEED watching our every move. Every sin and weakness that He paid the price for is on display for Him to see.
And that truth is on my mind a lot. The fact is that I'm a hypocrite, saying one thing and then doing another. Aren't we all?
Elder Uchtdorf said, "If you define hypocrite as someone who fails to live up perfectly to what he or she believes, then we are all hypocrites. None of us is quite as Christlike as we know we should be. But we earnestly desire to overcome our faults and the tendency to sin. With our heart and soul we yearn to become better with the help of the Atonement of Jesus Christ."
YES! We are. But, so long as we are EARNEST in our attempts, and desires to be better, then we are on the right path. So, even though Jesus sees and knows all that we do, more than Him being present here in our physical space, He is present in our minds and in our hearts. He knows what we are truly trying to be.
I know that this sweet little primary song teaches a true principle: that when we are striving to be as Jesus wishes us to be, we will be better, kinder, more patient, more gentle and meek. I promise you it's true.
Christ is in our lives and in the details of every single day.
So, keep trying friends to do and say the things you would if the Savior stood beside you.
Our Primary Program is in a few weeks so we've been hitting the songs particularly hard in preparation. One that isn't in the primary book but is included in this year's program is a song called "If the Savior Stood Beside Me" by Sally DeFord.
Throughout the year, I can't tell you how many times the words from this song have come back to remind me to be better.
If the Savior stood beside me
would I do the things I do?
Would of think of His commandments
and try harder to be true?
Would I follow His example?
Would I live more righteously
if i could see the Savior standing
nigh watching over me?
If the Savior stood beside me
would I say the things I say?
Would my words be true and kind
if He were never far away?
Would I try to share the gospel?
Would I speak more reverently
if I could see the Savior standing
nigh watching over me?
He is always near me
though I do not see him there.
And because He loves me dearly
I am in His watchful care.
So I'll be the kind of person
that I know I'd like to be
if I could see the Savior standing
nigh watching over me.
(see more verses HERE)
Over and over again, I fail at this. Over and over, I'd be utterly ashamed if I had Jesus at my side, when I'm unkind to my kids, when I fail to think before I speak, when I just make BAD choices.
My own personal behavior would be 110% different. My patience level would be raised, the tone of my voice would be lowered. I'd be far less likely to snap at a child or be short with my husband if Jesus was sitting on the couch, observing my days.
Al Fox Carraway (she's super cool, get to know her) recently posted a YouTube video about a day she carried a picture of Christ with her everywhere, not in her purse, not in her pocket, but in her hand. She said it made quite a difference in the way she thought and acted.
If I didn't have to wrangle 156 children everywhere I go, I'd do the same. Just to see.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUv5n2Lh5vw
( I can not for the life of me get this to embed! ARG!)
Here is the issue, friends, as true believers in Christ, we KNOW that he is INDEED watching our every move. Every sin and weakness that He paid the price for is on display for Him to see.
And that truth is on my mind a lot. The fact is that I'm a hypocrite, saying one thing and then doing another. Aren't we all?
Elder Uchtdorf said, "If you define hypocrite as someone who fails to live up perfectly to what he or she believes, then we are all hypocrites. None of us is quite as Christlike as we know we should be. But we earnestly desire to overcome our faults and the tendency to sin. With our heart and soul we yearn to become better with the help of the Atonement of Jesus Christ."
YES! We are. But, so long as we are EARNEST in our attempts, and desires to be better, then we are on the right path. So, even though Jesus sees and knows all that we do, more than Him being present here in our physical space, He is present in our minds and in our hearts. He knows what we are truly trying to be.
I know that this sweet little primary song teaches a true principle: that when we are striving to be as Jesus wishes us to be, we will be better, kinder, more patient, more gentle and meek. I promise you it's true.
Christ is in our lives and in the details of every single day.
So, keep trying friends to do and say the things you would if the Savior stood beside you.
Friday, November 1, 2013
A Rambling Post About What I Don't Know
Things have been quiet around here lately. I'm just kind of at a loss for words, everything I think to write in the middle of the night is forgotten by morning, silvery wisps I can't make solid. It's driving me crazy.
In the last few months, I've felt deeply, permanently that the Lord has changed me. He's changed my heart. It is so easy as a human person, to stagnate, stay the same, refuse (whether conciously or unconciously) to change. It's comfortable, clinging to our sins and weaknesses.
God doesn't want us to stay in our comfortable ungodliness though. He wants to burn all that away. He wants to exhalt us every single day.
And it's hard. And it hurts. And it's more fun, sometimes, to stay the same.
The thing is, God loves you and me, as we are, right now. Loving someone requires we accept them. God is the ultimate example of this. He loves us as we are, even when we are terribly disobedient.
But just as a parent hopes for their child, He has hopes and dreams for us and KNOWS we can accomplish them.
So, I've felt that pull to be better, be more, give more, think of myself less in the last months. My soul has begun to hunger (Enos 1:4) for a deeper understanding of my role on earth, my duty to the kingdom, my job, so to speak.
And I've found that when I let that change enter my heart, when I pull away from the sins I love so dearly, that I can more fully recognize my Father's hand in things, I see His face more clearly.
Much like a child running to a parent with a skinned knee from falling off a bike, I quickly find myself flinging towards my Parents in Heaven, desperate for refuge for a moment, before I head on back out, to keep trying, to keep learning, to keep moving forward.
I'm also having to learn to let go of some things I think I want. They aren't BAD things either. But I am learning to trust that whether THOSE things I want come to pass or not matters far less than the reality that no matter what, Heavenly Father has a plan.
So, I'm trying. And this whole book/blog project is a part of this whole thing. I can't explain it, I can't put it in words (which is why I've been struggling mightily with words lately), but I know that THIS is what the Father wants me to do. Even if it is solely for my own growth and development, so be it.
I'm trying.
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